After such a long time..

I stepped into a church again. Yeah, i did, late in the night. (i think it was abt 1am?)

Christof (his blog is at the side bar) brought me over there a couple of days ago as i was feeling very troubled over some matters.

According to chris, that was the only church that is never locked. (following the american's way)

Initally i was kinda shocked when he brought me there, after which guilt took over me.

Many of you might not know, actually i was baptised before, When i was very very young, I used to go church together with my aunt. (i think i was 7?)

After which my aunt stopped bringing us over. I stop going.

After so many years, i finally stepped into one.

I had a very.... unusual feeling.

Chris shared with me some stuffs about life, i listened.

He brought me over there so as to cheer me up as he thought it will be a nice idea.

I really appreciate it..

Right after i pray to god for some light in life, i felt a sudden peace in my heart. The inital troubled feelings i had went away.

That was for that special night...

Today after my studies at KAP. I gave chris a call to check where is he. He offered to pick me up from KAP to send me home as he was around that area. (THANKS AGAIN!)

After i met up with him, i asked for a favour to bring me to the church again.

Yeah, i wanted to pray. To pray for myself and someone.

For health. for light. for direction. for future.

It will be a long way from now. I really hope, i will be able to find myself, find my direction, find my light...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ironically, I feel so fucked up now.

Right after i wrote finish the upper part, my dad knocked on my door.

My mom is ill. My dad ask me to go down and help him. But i cant as i'm studying tml. My mom have to force herself to work. (my bro will be gg down later when he comes back so my mom can come back and rest)

... i feel like crying now cause my mentor's words are flashing through my brain now.

I feel damn bad and guilty towards my parents.

I have never treat them for a meal. i have never bring them on a trip. I have never gave them any good life.

What the fuck have i been doing throughout my 24 years?

They suffered so much for us. Waking up 2am in the morning to work to make months end.

What have i been doing? what have i been doing all these while?! CAN SOMEONE SLAP ME HARD TO WAKE ME UP?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

I AM SUCH A BITCH TOWARDS MY PARENTS CAN?!

*CRIES*

I got a sudden urge.. to hug and be hug.

sigh. I feel so alone and cornered.

So much thoughts. So much guilt. So much worries. Why does it happen now when its gonna be exams soon?..