this time round..

i just wanna keep my blog private.

i dun want to have everyone reading it.

its tiring when i have to keep my thoughts and feelings away from here when i know some other people are reading.

and with this new address, i wish to keep my readers to the minimum.

if you are one who chance upon my address, congrats~ as here might contain some untold truth to people around me.

if you are one that i gave my address to, pls know that its becoz i trust u not to judge me, therefore i'm giving it to you

pls..... do not judge me, or asked me about anything that i write here.

my blog is my rubbish bin, once written in here, its out of my mind.

my blog is a place where i keep memories just in case i forget them in the future. (i always have a tendency to do so)

right at this moment, i'm feeling.. happy that finally he moved on.

yet, perhaps, its my selfishness kicking in that there's a tingling feeling of unhappiness.

i wish i dun have to know anything.

i wish i could just delete him off my msn and facebook is possible.

flush out everything so i can move on properly.

to the new relationship.

its tiring when there's some memories left in the previous one being brought over to the new one..

yet, i no longer can love my new guy properly as i thought i could.. becoz he has given me the deep scar..

i bought a PSP for him, even thou i'm real broke. After i purchase.. i realise its becoz i just wanna do what i wanted to do at the beginning. after i have done it.. i realise the happiness that i feel is only so long.

when we were at marina barriage, with him hugging me, telling me he love me, i felt a sudden sensation of numbness.

like .. i dun feel a thing abt my love to him.

i question myself now.. is it that i do things for him becoz i love him, or is it becoz.. i'm carol and he being now my bf, he deserve those. and i'm just doing a duty.

sigh.

i wish that i could just.. forget everything and move on and try to be happy again.

sometimes i really think i'm jinx.

that.. happiness doesnt befall on me for long.

its always so short lived before things starts to go haywire.

love.. i think i have already lost the feeling of loving someone..

and i think its real scary when u have the very numb feeling in yr heart.

that.. nothing excites you, nothing can triggers that longing feeling in yr heart.

after reuben left me.. i never had this feeling of unable to live a life without someone.

what exactly is love i no longer can tell anyone.

is missing someone call love? or is it becoz its a crush, a lust, or you are just used to having this person in yr life thats why when he is not around.. you starts thinking of him.

i'm too nice to everyone.

and when one become my bf, i shower all attention care concern and money. buying things for him which i deem is necessary.

however, it doesnt mean that i love him. becoz.. i'm just like that.

i do that to every other bfs..

do i love any of them?

perhaps its likings.. i never went pass the stage of liking.

never.. for the last 4 years.

after reub's departure from my life.

i kept my heart, and no longer show it to anyone else anymore.

i no longer feel the feeling of wanting this person badly.

i no longer feel the feeling of loving a person till it hurts.

i no longer feel the feeling of love.

and i no longer.. knows what love is anymore.

carol is now a loveless being...

loveless... sound scary isnt? sigh..