I am trying to conquer, to get use to loneliness.

1) Watching movie alone.

2) Going out alone.

3) Camp at home for days.

4) Learn to have meals alone.

5) maybe a holiday alone?

I dunno if i can do it. I wish i could. To get used to loneliness.

I'm just tired..

I'm slowly letting go..

Maybe this is the way..

__________________________________________________

Yesterday, Ju and i had a very long conversation.

She explains to me in her own views why are most of my r/s a failure.

1) I have been loving guys more than they love me.

2) I made known to them how much i need them.

3) I have been going round and round the same kinda of guys. Which is not suitable for me. (according to her.. since she knows most of my ex)

Maybe.. she's correct.

Maybe this is the reason.. why am i constantly going through the same things over and over again..

Can i change?..

I hope i can.

Learning.. to Love my friends, love my family, love myself more than just loving a person.

__________________________________________________

Fever has subsided. Flu is gone. Maybe it came just for awhile telling me to sleep early.

Intending to go clubbing earlier, but i think i'm too lazy now to go..

Just wish to slack around, being alone.

Parents will be back from their holiday today.. and that marks the end of my proverty. FINALLY!!!..

________________________________________________

遗失的美好演
唱:张韶涵

海的思念绵延不绝终于和天在地平线交会
爱如果走得够远应该也会跟幸福相见
承诺常常很像蝴蝶美丽的飞盘旋然后不见
但我相信你给我的誓言就像一定会来的春天
我始终带着你爱的微笑一路上寻找我遗失的美好
不小心当泪滑嘴角就用你握过的手抹掉
再多的风景也从不停靠只一心寻找我遗失的美好
有的人说不清哪里好但就是谁都替代不了
在最开始的那一秒有些事早已经注定要到老
虽然命运爱开玩笑真心会和真心遇到

Down with flu.. and slight fever now..

Had dinner with fred, jacob and julina at far east.. and 3 of them are so nice to me.. knowing that i'm utterly broke, they wanted to pay for my share of the dinner! (well in the end ju was the one who paid for my share.. thank you my dear..)

Later.....

The 2 crazy people...

Julina and her friend desmond wanted to club earlier. YES ON A TUES CUM RAINY NIGHT!.. (Cause both of them no need to work tml. damnz)

First.. we went to devils bar.. my god, bo lang.. then.. we went to momo.. even worse!!.. NTU BASH with NO ONE DANCING ON THE DANCE FLOOR! >.<.. Then we went to mdm wong.. WAH.. the first time when we open the gate we could see the pool table right across the whole mdm wong. In the end.. we ended up at mount faber "the altivo". Nice chilling out place i would say.. with nice music and a very wonderful view of the sea... Had a cocktail.. and we talk through the night.. well.. i was staring at the sea most of the time while they were doing the talking.. as

1) I AM EXTREMELY TIRED LOH!.. >.<

2) I am FUCKING SICK!

3) I'M FUCKING SAD!

I am very very very tired as i needa wake up at 730am for work.. and they dragged me down to clubs after clubs.. saying "carol you can de. You are carol leh. 5hrs of sleep enough for you."

*faint*

That's the reason why i'm sick now.. stupid flu and fever..

Needa sleep soon..

_____________________________________________________

Today is a lousy day.. a bad day..

A.. " You made me realise how insignificant i am" day..

A.. "Finally i know.. i am never in there at all.." day..

A.. in short. fiak up day.

______________________________________________________

I wonder.. if i can wake up later.. most importantly.. i wonder.. will my sickness goes off..

being sick and alone.. is the worst kinda of feeling that i've ever been through.. with noone by my side.. Noone to take care of me.. Noone to shower care and concern for me..

Sick on my bed alone..

That is when.. pure loneliness sets in..

Loneliness. I must learnt to conquer it.
____________________________________________________

"things i will to say, will be said later."

Have not update my blog for a long long time.. cause i was busy.. watching 恶魔在身边!

Nice series by 賀軍翔 & 杨尘琳! (ok.. i cried.. while watching the last few episodes. >.< size="4">理想情人 b y 杨尘琳

穿上洋装看着手表
时间快到心碰碰的跳
和你的第一次约会来临了
金色的阳光洒满人行道
换了新唇膏把头发弄好
要你看到我的好
喜欢看你走路充满自信
说话时候你的专注眼神
温柔的表情笑容里的天真
我相信找不到有比你更好的人
你心里理想情人是几分
是否也会有我的份
好想知道你的100分会给怎样的人
亲爱的你不要再陌生
增加我戏份
我想问亲爱的你把感情升等
朋友变成情人
可不可以告诉我标准
不要让我一直等
听着那时间滴答的走
对街的你在点头
好像一个梦渐渐走到我前
头好想知道你的100分会给怎样的人
亲爱的你不要再陌生
增加我戏份
我想问亲爱的你把感情升等
朋友变成情
人可不可以告诉我标准
不要让我一直等

Nice song~ ...

_________________________________________________________

Thoughts..

My life has come to a stop point. Unsure of what to do next. Do i still have to courage and determination to fight on?..
I realise.. that i have been paranoid.. all because i am insecure - the root of all the depression and saddness.
Insecurity.. cause i know i am noone special.. insecurity.. cause i realise its the same treatment everyone gets(or is it?).. insecurity cause.. of the one main reason..
Will i be able to convince myself not to care, not to mind?
hmm.. i'm not depress or sad now. I am just questioning myself.

________________________________________________________

Saddness and hurt are part and parcel of life. With or without someone or anyone , life still goes on..

I strongly believe, there's no forever saddness.. just forever scars and memories..

I never give up in love.. towards anyone else.. cause i want an ending.. An ending to that particular stage in life where i have done my best.
I tried my best but he (i dun mean anyone in particular, serious) might not treasure/might not be the one.. at least.. i wun be the one regretting 5-10years down the road for not trying.. i will not be the one guessing.. if i have done this if i have done that.. would the ending be different..

Foolish thinking?? yeah i know. but thats me. The foolish and naive me.

I believe.. Everyone has been through this stage of foolishness, of persistence, of not giving up, believe in fighting to the very end even tho you know you will get brusies all over. I will only accept defeat if.. that someone ask me to give up.


Hurt i will.. but.. havent i gone through that hurt again and again? arent i familiar with that feeling?.. Yeah.. i am.. Too familiar with that.. pain.

Cry i will.. for.. tears washes away the pain as days goes by..

Torture myself i will.. for that is the mark of an ending for me.. My bad bad habit..

sleepless nights i will.. but it will soon go away...

all these will soon go away.. cause its part and parcel of life to make someone stronger.

without hurt.. i wun know what is happiness..

"That sheer moment of happiness that i will always held it in my heart.."

I have to try.. to learn how to live my life.. without relying on anyone.

Sigh..

_______________________________________________________

别说我的眼泪你无所谓 by 李圣杰
一个人在这个夜里
孤单得难以入睡
真的想找个人来陪
不愿意一个人喝醉
醉了以后就会流泪
数着你给的伤悲
为什么你总让我憔悴
别说我的眼泪你无所谓
看我流泪你头也不回
哭过了泪干了心变成灰
我想要的美你还不想给
伤了的我的心怎去面对
爱给了你我不后悔
只希望你给我一次机会
让我去追让我去飞
毕竟爱过的心需要安慰
需要你安慰

Finally the problem is solved.. created my own photobucket to contain the pictures for my blog...
________________________________________________________________

I AM SO FREAKING DEPRESS.. WITH MY COLLEAGUES.. TALKING ABOUT THEIR BUYS EVERYDAY IN THE OFFICE..

ahhhhh....

I am so.. so.. so.. freaking broke....

I need retail therapy.. BADLY!..

Then.. I met an angel.. REUB IS BRINGING ME SHOPPING THIS FRIDAY~!! LOL!..

Well.. he owes me 2 birthday presents already.. Thus.. To pay back.. He agreed to pay for whatever i want on friday (max $200) WOOT~~~ HE IS SO NICE!!! Just like last time. LOL~~~

Weeee.. I am a Happy Girl~

I want my jeans~ saw a pair of espirt jeans over at marina square.. NICE NICE!

I Want.. I want.. my god. i have tons of lemmings.

I have not shop.. ever since i went back to school..

and i'm only left with $30 for my meals everyday till i get my pay at the end of the mth.

>.<

Thank goodness that i have great frens like gunn for sponsoring my ciggies and fred who will qia me dinner. but still.. my $30.. is only gonna last me.. for another 3-4days.

haiz.. this is shit. =(

For the first time in my life, i am this broke. lolz. the feeling.. is "GREAT"!

Pay faster come.. before i die of hunger... ________________________________________________________

Joke...

Today.. i keep dozing off in the office.. machium my head is elastic.. "up.... down... up... down..."
i tried my best to keep myself awake.. forcing my eyes to open and look at the computer..
hands on the keyboard.
Then... i drank water.. Forgot to gulp it down.. i kept it in my mouth.. suddenly.. i doze off for 1sec and i spill the water out of my mouth.. >.< i wet my jacket.
DAMN PAI SEH LOH! HENG BO LANG SAW! >.<
Got a shock and i woke up. Stupid me.
LOL!

________________________________________________________

"i wonder.. how important am i.. or.. i am insignificiant at all..?"

Learning how to cook recently.

erm.. tried chicken cutlet the day before. Thankfully i didnt burnt down the kitchen. lol.

Results? hehe.. They say nice. All thanks to my maid who taught me how to marinate the chicken.

Today learnt another new dish from "someone"..

hmm.. will learnt more from my maid in the future. Hopefully i can learnt how to cook well soon.. But still.. I am SO AFRAID OF THE OIL!!!..

It is a must know for a woman.

Have been neglecting it for.. a long long time.

Yeah.. in this new age, women are aiming to be successful in business.

But still.. Housework and cooking are unavoidable.

I once heard from a friend. To capture a man's heart, you first have to capture his stomach.

Is it true? I wonder.

Anyway, learning now is for my own benefit.

Weeee....

But Still.. baking is my favourite. Speak of it.. i have bake for a long long time.. ever since my family threw away the baking oven.

My cornflakes cookiessss... my swiss rollsssss... my cup cakesssss... I miss baking so much!!!!

___________________________________________________

Having pre monday blues..

AHhhh... my weekend..

Awaiting for the next weekend to arrive...

Bored.

Why do i have to worry for $$$??

*sigh*

_________________________________________________________

I realise.. there's getting more and more people closing their blogs.. and making it private.

Cause.. there's more and more people visiting their blog.. and backstabbing them.

Jealousy? Hatred?

Why do people have to force others to that extend?

Will they be happy about the end results?

Humans.. *sigh*

______________________________________________________

I realised.. I cant let go of the negative feelings.

The only way.. is to find ways and means to avoid him/her. But.. i dont think i can.

And most importantly, i have be very mindful about my words.. I DO NOT WANT TO BACKSTAB ANYONE like i was being backstab.

It would be disgusting of me to do that.

I wonder when did the negative feeling started.

I want it to go away.. badly.

I do not want to trouble them/they/him/her/it.. cause.. them/they/him/her/it is stuck in between.

Things get complicated.. *sigh* shouldnt have let them/they/him/her/it know that i have began to dislike him/her.

Confusing? LOL! Thats the way i want it to be.

I think i still can pretend.. that nothing is going on.

I THINK.

AH.. Being HUMANS IS SO TROUBLESOME! I wish to be a dog(maltese), or a bird. Maltese cause it is cute and is always being pampered by the owner. Bird cause its free.. from everything.. flying high up in the sky.. ignoring what is around it.

*sigh*

I wish i can stop being so mindful about them/they/him/her/it. Going out...... *sensored*

idiot me, foolish me, bad me. I am so so so.. BAD!!! ok i know.. i am not an angel. BUT STILL~ i just wanna be a nice person to everyone... thats all..

Bah.. if i continue blogging i will have suicidal tendence again.

Good night everyone.

Good night to myself.

Monday blues.. i hate monday..

_______________________________________________

"i am still going on strong.. still......................................... i think.."

Goodness.. i didnt go out yesterday night and the whole of saturday.

why??.. well.. i am cashless now.

Cant go anywhere.

Have to save on transportation expenses and meal expenses..

*sigh* utterly broke..

This is .. SHIT!..

Had a conversation with a friend today..

I realise that my life is going round and round..

I am making the same mistakes over and over..

yet i am not doing anything to stop it..

Simply because.. i am too emotional.

Used my heart to think and feel too much.

My brain is only used for studies. Decision making? its my heart that is doing the work..

No matter how much i tried. I can never make a rational decision.

Is this consider weak??

i'm in so deep now.. that i can only keep going forward.

Unsure.. whats in front of me..

More heartaches? More Depression? More saddness? or.. will things turn out better??

I wonder..

I wonder too much that.. sometimes.. i'll have suicidal tendence every now and then.

Is this me??

Does anyone know or understand why am i doing this?..

I only.. prays.. that.. it will come someday.

Or.. someone to save me??..

_____________________________________________________

"Waiting.. Waiting... Waiting... Patiently.."

I am totally surprise. Austin is so sweet on our first meeting.

SunFlowers, and 2 cute presents.

He actually went all the way to the restaurant first, and pass the flowers to the waitress. so that i will get a surprise.

He actually bought 2 little presents for me when he was outstation.

I am shocked and touched by his little gusture.

And.. he spent quite a lot(i feel) the dinner.

I feel so PAI SEH~~!!!!!

It has been a long time since i last receive flowers from anyone..

Austin, thanks for the dinner, presents and the flowers. I deeply appreciate it. serious.

___________________________________________

Been busy with work and stuffs.. hardly have time to blog now..

Will have lesser.. thoughts for the day.. cause by the time i reach home.. i'm too tired to think..

Sleep time.. and.. yeah.. ITS WEEKEND!!!! WEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Broke. no $$$.

I have not taken dinner yet.. no money for dinner. zzzzz..

Haiz.. I am extremely broke now..

For the first time in my life.. i am this broke.

Think i am crazy, i rather spend money on ciggy than on food.

but.. soon it will run out and i will not be able to smoke either..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

*sigh*

i'm going crazy soon.

Finally i found a job. Gonna start work later at 9am! =D

back to 9-6pm job at taka!

Anyone working around there? can meet me for lunchiee??

I'm working all alone there.. =/

Didnt manage to blog yesterday.. due to fatal frame 3. lol.

Friends were playing that game and i was intensively looking at it. WOOT!

Cool game. Muahaha.. Scary.

Anyway.. thanks brianca for finding that job for me..

Thanks Janson, Jerry, Jasmine, Shander and Wayne for the present! Its sweet! (hope tomorrow can really touch 4D ba! I need $$$~~ I am broke..)

Took a number of pics but no time to upload into blog.. will upload soon ya!

ok.. thoughts for the day..

It has been since a very long time, that i begin to be displease(trying to use a softer tone...) a person. Well.. this time.. that person really pisses me off. Goodness. I really wonder if i can keep my cool for long. =/
"He/She" (i am not gonna reveal the sex of that person) sometimes is damn crude about the words "he/she" uses. I tried to be nice, and ignore whatever .... things that "he/she" is doing. but.. i just cannot control my emotions against "him/her" anymore.
Guess... its mask again.. to pretend not to mind, to pretend nothing is going on. Why are humans getting faker and faker? To avoid quarrels? To avoid direct clashes against people?
humans.. we are so fake.
I seriously do not want to bare any negative feelings against "him/her".. I cannot tolerate "his/her" way of doing things, "his/her" character. Dont "he/she" ever think about what is wrong with "himself/herself"?
oh well.. in this world there's different kinda of people...
Maybe "he/she" feels that it is perfectly alright with "him/her"..
"god, let the negative feelings go away.."Amen.
And i really mean it. I seriously do not want the negative feelings to stay in me..
Cause i find it to be real disgusting of me to behave like that.. being so fake.

things i wish to write, things i wish to say, cannot be spoken here. maybe i should create another blog, where noone knows about it. at least i will not be getting into trouble like.. today's SundayPaper.

yeah i think i should.

Its tiring when i needa think what i should write, what i should not reveal.

Hopefully i can find a job by tomorrow. So i can stop bumping around.

Yippy, tomorrow meeting up my neighbours for dinner.

Will post lots of pics up again!..

_________________________________________________

post this big big..

I MUST:

(1) NOT TO WEAR A MASK AGAIN
(2) SPEAK UP MY MIND
(3) DO NOT HIDE MY FEELINGS AGAIN
(4) LEARNT TO EXPRESS MY INNER FEELINGS

This is a reminder to myself.

_________________________________________________

"i'll will and must.. thanks for not giving up.."

Opps. have not update my blog for the past 2 days.. lolz. busy busy.

anyway, more pics coming up!!

Been taking tons of pics since i cut my hair..

friday.. accompanied my friend Gunn to cut his hair. lol. and i took pics of the before, during and after the haircut. LOL!

Before...



During..








While waiting for him.. i took a pic of myself. *bored* lolz



AFTER! =X finally.. lol



After which, we went blading. hohoho. I learn a new braking style from him. Weeee.. My blading is so much better now!!!!
__________________________________________________

The very next day(Saturday), Crazy us.. went to pierce our ears... together.

Mine.



His..



And it hurts like hell now. Washing my hair and trying to dry it is a bitch. zzz..
______________________________________________

In the nite.. its ade's birthday! Went to her chalet.. together with koz and justin.

While waiting for the train....



Reached! and took a pic with the birthday girl. =P



On the way home, waiting for a friend to pick us up.. I starting taking picture with koz and justin.



I do not have any idea what is justin trying to do. lol. candid shot!



Finally... we were on our way home. I think 3 of us were really too bored. lol. Someone needs a smoke and so.. the windows were... and our hair.. started flying..



woot.. artistic shot by koz! can you see me? lol. i'm in the middle of them!



Finally back home! and thats how i spent my saturday..

Pierce my ear... help justin choose birthday present... and ade's chalet. =/
and i missed another saturday night clubbing.
Have i stop clubbing?..
hmm.. my life.. a mystery.
______________________________________________

Is everyone faced with this kinda of situation whereby "oh, someone dun like someone, can only ask someone to go.." I simply hate this situation. Why are there grudges, hatred, dislikes in this world?

oh well..

Why do humans.. when they do not like someone.. they will have to tell everyone about it.. or even worse.. "discuss"..
unintentional? intentional?
what is the motives?
Why must they do it?
Do they realise this will hurt that person?
Do they realise that this will cause alot of future grudges/problems?

I know.. i didnt do anything wrong and i shouldnt care so much.

But this is me, i cannot let things be this way.. yet i am helpless against it.

Friends, do you hate me? do you love me? tell me? lol.

_____________________________________________

"please do not get angry with my post, i seriously needa vent it out."

yeah~~ today is my birthday!! offically i'm 22 now. =( OLD~...

Had a wonderful celebration yesterday. Got real drunk at devils.. i think i vomitted at least 3-4times over there. =/

And i was too high to remember what i did over there. shit. Hope i didnt create any trouble. Have to check with gunn what have i done over there.

I am still 1/2 drunk now.. everything seems so blur to me. And worst of all.. i have the vomit aftertaste stuck in my mouth. >.<

Will be celebrating my birthday tonight at devils.

i wonder who will turn up.

i wonder who will "put" aeroplane.

Bah.. i wonder if they still remember how steady i was during their bd. But i guess people always take things for granted. Thus, i am expecting quite a number of aeroplanes.

I wonder how is it gonna be like.

This is the first time i am celebrating my birthday in a club.

Hmm.. Gonna wear my new black boots..

With mini Skirt..

With a sexy top..

Woot..

But i didnt buy any cake. Should i go get it?

yeah.. i think i should. (Auntie~ buy my birthday cake for me~ PS: Auntie = my maid)

Get a small one will do. 1/2 kg or 1kg?? =/

Wait. If i get, means i must not get drunk before 12am.

Friends, dont make me drunk tt soon. I'll be most happy. =D

Oh, i had a new haircut too. Quite short tho. Shorter than the previous hairstyle.

I wonder how am i gonna style my hair this time. *headache*

Fringe is a little too short. =/ Makes my face look so.. CHUBBY!! =(

Hopefully i can solve the prob later.

Will post up all the nice pics tomorrow!!!

__________________________________________________

As of 520pm, most of my classmates are not going.

Waiting for more calling me up..

Finally.. the last paper is done.. i'm free.. from exam stress.

But yet, i dont feel happy.. maybe my depression is getting serious.. i'm still feeling down.. i still feel like crying tho i cried for nearly 2hrs ytd..

My heart is still feeling heavy...

my mind is still full of negative thoughts...

i still wanna die...

I can tell noone.. i can share with noone.. i feel so trapped..

i can only stare at my computer..

share my sorrows with my diary..

i need a mental support..

who is there to understand me..

will anyone ever understand me..

i am sick of living..

i'm a souless being..

i'm a hopeless being..

Your Birthdate: November 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations. You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you. Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans. You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot. Your strength: Your ability to gain respect Your weakness: Caring too much what others think Your power color: Orange-red Your power symbol: Letter X Your power month: October

i'm crying once again.. this time.. i cant control my tears.. i feel so tired.. tired of what is happening in my life..

"Take my life away god.. i had enough of myself.." amen..

I hate to be misunderstood, hate to have this feeling that someone out there do not like me or is irritated by me.
I tried to please everyone that i know.. on my own expense.
I scarifice my stuffs.. So that people around me will be happy.
Its hurts me badly.
Even tho i know its not my fault and i shouldnt care that much..
Still.. being dislike is what i hate most.
I hope the misunderstanding will be settle soon.
If not i will never feel good. >.<

Anyone out there who hates me/dislike me.. i know i can never please you as you are holding grudges against me. Thank you for hating/disliking me and telling people how much you dislike/hate me.. for that i got to realise how many true friends i have.. how many people really cares for me.

But i do know.. there's more ppl who love me for who i am, more than those who dislike me. For that.. i thank you for being there for me, caring for me. To all my wonderful babes and hunks who stood by my side. Thank you. =) __________________________________________________

Today, babe and i had a conversation.. she suddenly talk about marriage.. and how a sacred thing becomes something so.. easily taken for granted.. Everyone.. just married and divorce so easily. Marriage is no longer a one time thingy. Is it because woman now are getting smarter and more capable.. that they do not need to rely on man anymore? Things are no longer like the older days.. where.. woman have to depend on their man.. Is it because.. man and woman have more choices now?.. there no faithfulness or commitment for both sides? Is it because.. it has become a trend now?.. Divorce.. 3rd party.. love.. commitment.. trust.. marriage.. Oh well. packs of lies.
_________________________________________________

I wish to have a friend like myself. who will go all the way out for a friend.
I am simply sick and tired of organising my bd parties.
Why dont i get a thoughtful friend who will organise my birthday party? =(
Dont think i will ever be so lucky to get a friend like myself.
Dont ask me who is going or who is not going.
If you wan, go, if you dont feel like it, then dont go.
Dont treat it as if it is a favour.
Its just a normal gathering, and it happens to be my birthday thats all.
If you feel that its not worth to go down, then dun go. i dont need fake appearance.
at least, now i know who cares for me. ah.. birthdays are so troublesome.
I wish i could be independent enough to stay home.
Do not need anyone beside me.


**SIGH**
*I am such a fool*

PS: Thanks Wayne, for being kind enough to help me organise an outing with my neighbours tomorrow. Sorry i am having my papers. thus unable to organise anything. but thanks alot. appreciate your thoughtfulness. =)
_________________________________________________


"thank you for standing beside me."

2 more days to my final exam... 4 more days to my birthday... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

who will remember my birthday and be kind enough to send me sms?..

Who will be kind enough to celebrate for me?..

who will be spending my birthday with me??...

lol. i view birthday's importantly. cause its only once a year. but i seriously am lazy to organise my birthday parties already.

Maybe i'll call a few friends out to club.

maybe to my favourite club - Devil's Bar.

Its my birthday.. and i have the choice right?

Anyone wanna buy my birthday present for me? I am lemming for this abercrombie jeans!! $69 only!! Give me ang pow i buy myself~~ =X

hmm.. this is so.. pretty~~~ ahhhh... =(

I wish.. I wish.. I pray.. I pray.. Someone will buy for me!!! (maybe wait for mama's ang pow.. buy this jeans.. hehehe)

or..... anyone wanna buy for me this jeans instead? $124 lol.. coz the above one.. my friend might be buying.. =D

Bad lemmings. Grrr.. I can never stop shopping.

____________________________________________

spent my whole sunday at ECP blading with justin, gunn and nat!! Today was fun! felt i have improve alot in my balancing. hehe.. can blade a little faster now. hope i can be as "pro" as my jie soon. =D

Took a picture of the sunset at bedok jetty.

ok i look so.... hagged now.. due to lack of sleep. ARGH.. exams. =( is my eyes playing trick on me?.. My face looks thinner now???

I forgot to mention.. these pictures are taken by my phone! my Nokia 6230. Not bad eh? lol.

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Have you ever.... had an addiction on something or someone.. that when you dont see/touch/use/feel it/him/her, you will.. be unable to sleep or feel something is missing?.. i have.. and its serious addiction.. its......................................................... my.................................... COMPUTER & INTERNET!!!!! If my computer crash.. i think i'm gonna die.. i'm gonna camp at someone's place.. just to use the computer!!! i cannot do without it.. sounds crazy? lol. I can spend hours after hours just surfing net, online shopping or staring at it.

Have you ever... love/miss someone so much.. that it hurts and you feel so much like crying as you fear losing him/her?.. Painful isnt it?.. That is when you love him/her more than you love yourself.. you will begin to lose your ownself, your pride, your ego, just to please him, just to be the girl/guy of his/her dream. Wrong move.. Never.. Never love someone more than you love yourself.. for.. you will only bring harm to your ownself. only pain, suffering, hurt, saddness. Everyone will come to this stage in life.. then they will realise.. Relationship isnt just loving.. isnt just giving... Its best.. if you learn to love yourself before you love others..

But.. i only know how to "say"/"advice" when it comes to me?.. i think i can never do it. >.<

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"I wish to know.. when my patience will last.."

My desire to win, my stubbornness, has cause me lots of pain and depression. It has clouded my vision, blurred my mind. I seriously do not know what i want. I seriously am in a lost. I do not know which path should i take. I do not know what i should do to my life....

Life is all about decision making.. Making a wrong decision will lead to regret.. What should i do.. its driving me crazy at times..

I simply hate myself. For being so weak, for being so indecisive, for being so emotional.

I simply hate myself for inflicting pain on myself..

I simply hate myself for thinking so much. Why do i like to over-complicate things?

I simply hate myself for my depression.

in simplier terms. i sux.

ok... i am pissed. freaking blogspot give me attitude 3 times!!! AHHHHHHHHHH.. FOOK. my post... i spend 30mins writing it down and its all gone again. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... YOU WASTE MY TIME!!!
Lazy to write liao. freaking hell. -.-"""""

Update again tomorrow when i am not pissed.
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"i wish i will never wake up to face reality.."

4 more days to my final exam! Wish my luck everyone!!

Not much to crap today. So its gonna be a short and sweet one.

Slacked at a friend's place watching them played Resident Evil 4. ok.. i am a scary cat.. got frighten quite a number of times due to the excitment of the game. =/ i am totally not cut out to play game. >.<

Enough of bumping around.. Needa stay focus for the next 4days! intensive.. studying!!..

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hmm.. just change the template. Look more user friendly. hehehe..

Just came back from devils. That place was packed with people.. zzz. heard from my friends that zouk was ultimate packed and there were estimated about hundreds of people trying to get in as at 1am.. =/ oh well.. Public holiday.

Thanks to my ex colleague brother wayne who manage to get my friends and i in without queuing.. =D

ok... i online shop again.. me and my itchy hands. GRRR..

http://www.fredericks.com/product.asp?catalog%5Fname=Holiday2002&category%5Fname=zFinalCloseout&product%5Fid=43371

Weeeee. cant wait for it to arrive. Pretty pretty!! hehehe..

Time to sleep now. nightz people!

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"deeper and deeper it goes.. i no longer knew how deep it is now.."

Which sleeping position are you???

What your sleeping position says about you ...

Foetus

Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax.

Log

Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.

Yearner

People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.

Soldier

Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.

Freefall

Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.

Starfish

Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.

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Couple Sleeping positions...


Spoon
Both you and your partner lie on your sides, facing same direction and touching-
The many forms of contact indicate a sense of closeness, security and comforting- like a cocoon.- High on the intimacy scale - and because you’re both in the fetal position of sorts it shows a willingness to expose your vulnerabilities to your other half.- Variations to the traditional spoon include when there is slightly more space between the two of you but you’re still “emotionally” and physically linked by certain body parts like an arm or leg. - The one on the outside is usually the more dominant and sees the other as needing nurturing - but, there’s also analysis that suggests whoever is holding the other the tightest is the less confident of the two.


Frontal
EmbraceBoth facing each other, faces close, intertwined arms and legs.-
Full-on position which shows your “desperation” to be near each other- ie. you can’t bear to be part.- Usually occurs during the very beginning of relationship or during periods of intense passion.- Can also show dependency and some find it stifling.- There are also problems associated with restriction to the blood flow in your arm.- Demonstrates lust for each other - able to put up with morning breath etc.

Snuggled up
One partner lies sprawled on their back, whilst the other snuggles up-
The one lying on their back is said to be the more dominant of the two of you, whilst the one snuggling up is said to be submitting to this dominance or craving attention.- If this is an occasional position or you swap between who lies on their back you can be said to be a flirty couple and one who likes to change the roles within the relationship.- Can occur during traumatic times, with one party providing a sense of comfort and safety for the other.


Leg Connection
You both lie on back, stomach, or sides but remain connected by a leg-
Can indicate shyness or people that have trouble expressing obvious affection - ie the sign of affection or contact occurs by “accident”.- But, is rated as one of the healthiest coupledom sleeping positions because it can also can show a sense of comfort, confidence in each other, familiarity and sense of healthy independence- able to do your own thing and have your own space.- Also signifies a strong friendship element in the relationship and the below the hip contact is indicative of a practical layer to your relationship. - Can occur after a fight - sneaking the leg over can be a sign of a truce.

Together-Alone
You both sleep separately, on different sides of the bed, no contact
- Can indicate independence again, is not always a bad thing- ie you start the night together but drift off in order to get a better sleep. Some people can’t handle being held while sleeping and need their total space.
- However, if this is how you start and end the night, with no contact whatsoever then it can be indicative of some problems.
- Possible causes may be to do with the relationship, a fight etc or specific to the individual ie, stress, anxiety, grief, or a retreat from annoying habits such as snoring, grinding teeth, kicking out etc.