yeah i change back my blog address.

but i'm opening up my blog for invited readers only.

people whom.. i feel that its safe with my life and world and thoughts. =)

well jeannie highlighted to me that i could do this.. so... yeah..

hee. its easier this way i guess.

so i know who is reading.

u see, i dun want some people to be reading..

ahh..

yes what have i done for the past week..

its df again..

and.. blackout night again.

=(

yeah i blackout at clubs after drinking AGAIN..~

its so irritating.

and its scaring me. =(

its getting more and more frequent!!!

my body is getting worst.

and i wanna stop smoking once and for all..

i wanna stop drinking for the moment..

i wanna be healthy for once..

sleep early.. and start exercising.

yes, i'm beginning to do all those..

hopefully by next year things will be different..

my life will have more meaning..

doing more volunteer work for the needy, learn dancing (salsa or ballroom), exercise on a weekly basis and quit those bad habits..

and i shall be "perfect"!!!

(except for my smelly temper and itchy hands..)

perhaps next on my list 3years down the room is learn cooking. =P

ah..

another change in my life...

i have to freaking report to office everyday at 1030am liao!!

tiring ah!!! =.=!

noone can see me~ noone can see what i write! MUAHAHAHA~

this time round..

i just wanna keep my blog private.

i dun want to have everyone reading it.

its tiring when i have to keep my thoughts and feelings away from here when i know some other people are reading.

and with this new address, i wish to keep my readers to the minimum.

if you are one who chance upon my address, congrats~ as here might contain some untold truth to people around me.

if you are one that i gave my address to, pls know that its becoz i trust u not to judge me, therefore i'm giving it to you

pls..... do not judge me, or asked me about anything that i write here.

my blog is my rubbish bin, once written in here, its out of my mind.

my blog is a place where i keep memories just in case i forget them in the future. (i always have a tendency to do so)

right at this moment, i'm feeling.. happy that finally he moved on.

yet, perhaps, its my selfishness kicking in that there's a tingling feeling of unhappiness.

i wish i dun have to know anything.

i wish i could just delete him off my msn and facebook is possible.

flush out everything so i can move on properly.

to the new relationship.

its tiring when there's some memories left in the previous one being brought over to the new one..

yet, i no longer can love my new guy properly as i thought i could.. becoz he has given me the deep scar..

i bought a PSP for him, even thou i'm real broke. After i purchase.. i realise its becoz i just wanna do what i wanted to do at the beginning. after i have done it.. i realise the happiness that i feel is only so long.

when we were at marina barriage, with him hugging me, telling me he love me, i felt a sudden sensation of numbness.

like .. i dun feel a thing abt my love to him.

i question myself now.. is it that i do things for him becoz i love him, or is it becoz.. i'm carol and he being now my bf, he deserve those. and i'm just doing a duty.

sigh.

i wish that i could just.. forget everything and move on and try to be happy again.

sometimes i really think i'm jinx.

that.. happiness doesnt befall on me for long.

its always so short lived before things starts to go haywire.

love.. i think i have already lost the feeling of loving someone..

and i think its real scary when u have the very numb feeling in yr heart.

that.. nothing excites you, nothing can triggers that longing feeling in yr heart.

after reuben left me.. i never had this feeling of unable to live a life without someone.

what exactly is love i no longer can tell anyone.

is missing someone call love? or is it becoz its a crush, a lust, or you are just used to having this person in yr life thats why when he is not around.. you starts thinking of him.

i'm too nice to everyone.

and when one become my bf, i shower all attention care concern and money. buying things for him which i deem is necessary.

however, it doesnt mean that i love him. becoz.. i'm just like that.

i do that to every other bfs..

do i love any of them?

perhaps its likings.. i never went pass the stage of liking.

never.. for the last 4 years.

after reub's departure from my life.

i kept my heart, and no longer show it to anyone else anymore.

i no longer feel the feeling of wanting this person badly.

i no longer feel the feeling of loving a person till it hurts.

i no longer feel the feeling of love.

and i no longer.. knows what love is anymore.

carol is now a loveless being...

loveless... sound scary isnt? sigh..

Thou status may have changed, nevertheless, i wish you a very happy birthday. Please do go out and enjoy yrself even thou things have changed. but life is definitely better right now.

Happy birthday to you!

May all your wishes come true, and i wish you nothing but the best in everything you do.

Someday, one day, i know u will succeed in life.

Once again, wishing u a happy birthday from afar, take care and god bless! =)

Been surfing around for new ideas to help lost souls on how to surprise/romance their girl!

1) Bake her cake

not asking u to.. bake a cake from scratch, there's always ready made cake mixtures available from NTUC!! bake her a nice cake, decorate it with whatever u wanna say to her on it with whipped cream. it may look ugly, but hey, it screams "its my effort and i really wanna give u everything and anything in the world!"

2) Write a Poem about her.

i got this idea from class 95. last year valentine's day, one of their contest was to write a poem about yr love one starting with "Love Boat". i think it was damn cool. Perhaps u can write a poem with " I Love You"?

I -
L -
o- ... blar blar blar

3) Be funny, by taking a puppy face look with yr camera and email to her office email out of a sudden.
I think its really cute when u do that! imagine she feeling stress at work and after knowing it you could always do this just to cheer her up! its really heartwarming!

4) Love letters perhaps?
You know.. gone were the days where we will write letters to each other declaring our love. sometimes.. the conventional ways are the most effective ways to romance one person. write a letter, and mail it over. she will definitely be caught by surprise. =D (since nowadays.. all our letters are either bills, insurance or bank) haha.

5) found this online and i think its damn cool la!
Buy a beautiful rose and pass it to your friend beforehand. During the walk with your girlfriend, start kissing her - go on for at least 30 seconds. At that time your friend goes by and unnoticeably passes the rose to you. Kiss her for another 10 minutes, while the friend will move away. Then release her from your embraces and gift this rose to her! Only imagine her surprised face, coz the rose appeared from nowhere for her...
Go on your walk. In some distance she will be again greatly pleased. While your girlfriend is busy, asking you about rose, your friend should hang or attach a poster to a tree or something like that, reading for instance: "Nelly, Mike is crazy about you". (you can do this at ECP!!!)

6) another one which i think its really out of my league of a surprise, and its really heartwarming.

This guy passed out one day and his friends called the gf up and said he passed out. The gf went to find him and he was all sick looking.
3 days later he said to the gf: "babe I just went to the doctor and he said I have cancer in my heart I'm given 1 week to live"
The gf was devastated ..and started crying because she really thought he was serious, and furthermore he looked all serious..
so she gave him all her attention,everyday. She cooks everything he likes, and he acted the whole time until sunday when he supposed to die and it was her downiest feeling in the world when she had to supposedly come to his mothers house to say her farewells since he's dying soon.
When she came in the door his mom was sad and let me in, she felt the saddest as lotsa people were sitting in couch and everywhere out in the living room quietly including her friends and their common friends and his friends..
then all of a sudden when she started to feel really bad,tears coming down in seconds,the bell rings! and everybody in the house said HAPPY BIRTH DAY!
She just realized it was her birthday that day..then there he came out from a room with a towel on that says,"your love kept me alive"
AWWwwwww~~ reading this makes me feel ... so touched!

7) Last but not least...
you can have a photo printed on a puzzle. So you get that made but sneak out one piece, then give her the puzzle and make it together.
Then when you go home or something, make sure to leave the last puzzle piece (the one you took) an orchid (just one flower), which stands for delicate beauty and a little note which says; you were the missing piece of my puzzle..

sweet isnt? awww. now i really wish i'm a man. =(

i feel like a joke.. god is playing a joke on me.

if being generous is getting that kind of treatment, perhaps.. i should just take a step back.

perhaps i'm not understanding enough. but who will be if given that kind of circumstances? i'm not a saint. i'm not god. i have emotions.

drowning myself within my thoughts and the feelings..

perhaps, to feel happy, it is to just take a step back.

笑一笑，没有什么事情过不了。。

我在笑。 笑我自己太认真。

This is the show i anticipated. why did it still come to me as a shock?

I always have this secret wish that i was born a man.

not that i'm intending to turn lesbian or anything.

just that if i'm a man.. things will be so much more exciting.

i'm a surprise lover.

i love being surprise and at the same time i love to surprise people.

becoz of my creativeness, i could come out with tons of ideas of how to romance a girl.

and yes, i love romance, and i really feel its one of the more important factor in a relationship.

Romance. Its not hard to romance a girl, neither is it .. easy.

it takes only some effort and some thoughtfulness.

yet, not many guys around.. are willing to put in that additional effort.

becoz of laziness or .. once they got the girl, they start to take things for granted.

is it so difficult to actually create romance or make that girl feel love?

actually.. no.

perhaps different woman has different kind of needs and wants, however, i believe most woman love to be surprised.

have u ever tried sending flowers to the office out of the blue?

have you ever tried to create suspense on a day event and bring her somewhere nice and fun without letting her know in advance?

have you ever out of the sudden pop out from nowhere with her favourite food?

have you ever for no reason send her an office email with i love you written all over it?

have you ever pretend to be out with some friends but actually was below her place with candles and sparkles.. and do it like what we used to do when we were kids.. just light up the whole place with candles and play sparkles together?

have you.. perhaps brought her to some nice places to watch the stars?

have you.. out of a sudden while out shopping, sneak off to purchase something she really wanted and she just couldnt bear to purchase it on her own?

have you out of a sudden while having just a normal dinner made the waiter bring a stalk of rose for her pretending that its yr anniversary?

there's so much things that you can do that doesnt cost alot.

who says romance needs alot of money?

you just need to think out of the box, and always be keeping a look out on how to surprise her.

surprises happen when she least expected.

surprises doesnt happen when she expect something to happen.. like her bd, yr anniversary, etc.

romances can be there every other day, if you are willing to put in the extra effort to make it happen.

but looking at which love language she is in, if she is more of a words person.. writing emails full of i love you.. sending a card with all yr love inside.. etc would be better.

if her primary love language is physical touch.. then perhaps popping out from nowhere with her fav food and giving her a tight hug and a deep kiss to chase the stress away will be more efficient than the rest. so on and so forth..

my primary love language is gifts. and i love receiving surprises thru gifts aka visual stuffs, things that can be kept or used. and amazingly, this is supposedly the easiest to achieve. just buy gifts for no reason can already. its so simple. sending flowers.. normal dinner with stalk of roses.. buying my fav things..etc, all these are... much simpler then others.

yet, it seems that i have yet to find one that is able to achieve it. thats why i say, its really better if i am born a man, so i will not be the female waiting for things to happen, i will be the man that make things happen.

why am i a female!!!! =/

if i am a man, my gf is gonna be one of the luckiest person with romance.. thoughtfulness.. a promising career.. what else can she want more?

unfortunately.. i'm a female. and yes.. everything changes.

i cannot be possibly surprising my man everyday, he will sooner or later take me for granted.

i cannot be possibly so nice to my man everyday, coz sooner or later he will take me for granted.

i cannot be possibly buying so much things for my man.. coz as a female... we already lose out in a r/s. by being in that r/s, you lose yr heart, yr mind, yr body.. to him. and now money?

yes, call me old fashion, but female and male brains work differently.

male do not appreciate surprises as much as a female, instead they will feel bad that the female is doing so much for him, egoistic, awkwardness. whatever it is..

i wanna be a man i wanna be a man i wanna be a man... in my next life.

for now.. i'll just suck my thumb and keep quiet.

romance and love doesnt rhythm in my life.. apparently.

becoz.. its so god damn difficult to create a surprise for me.

lol.