pls god, do not let me happen to me again.

amen.

=.=~

i'm afraid of hospitalisation again. PLSS DUNNNNN.. =(

DISC is a personality test which was discovered to examine the behavior of individuals in their environment or within a specific situation (otherwise known as environment). It therefore focuses on the styles and preferences of such behavior.

DISC Refers to:
Dominance - relating to control, power and assertiveness
Influence - relating to social situations and communication
Steadiness (submission in Marston's time) - relating to patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
Conscientiousness (or caution, compliance in Marston's time) - relating to structure and organization

Why am i talking about this? DISC is also reflective to one personal life.

Each of us will have all 4 in us but there will be 2 dominating factor. A "S" and "C" person tend to be the quieter person, a follower, the submissive one. A "D" and "I" person tend to be the opposite of a "S" and "C" person.. and this in short - makes a couple complete.

When 2 "I" person starts a relationship, the stronger "I" person will over shadow the other "I" person or when one of the "I" person starts giving in to the other "I" person, it will result in the other party losing his/her confidence.

when 2 "D" person starts a relationship, alot of conflicts will occur as both will want to make decisions in everything. When the more accomodating "D" person person gives in, he/she will eventually

when 2 "S" person starts a relationship, they will tend to keep everything to themselves as they will only speak out when they feel that it is "safe" to talk. When will that happen? most of the time.. never.

when 2 "C" person starts a relationship, they will calculate. calculate everything all the way down to the basic.

Within the norm, "D" and "I" person will be most suitable to be together with a "S" and "C" person.

a "I" and "S" person will be most suitable with a "D" and "C" person, vise verse.

That is why Most of the time we will be attracted to people that is opposite of us. it is to complete us, to fill up what we lack of.

I am a "DI" person. I like to make decisions and i want to make decision. I love to be in control. I love to influence people with my ideas, i love it when people heel my advices or listen to me when i speak. thats basically a "DI" person. When someone doesnt listen to me, i wouldnt feel good. I love to shine and be the "sparkling" person in a crowd. Thats why.. a person with "I" can only be friends with me. when 2 "I" person are friends, they will share alot of ideas, talk alot. but if 2 "I" person become partners, their either become competitive, or my "I" outshine his or his "I" outshine mine.

I have been in a r/s with another "DI" person. It wasnt horrible becoz i gave in. and guess what. I lost my self confidence, i lost my senses of making decision, i revolved my life around that person and i made him the most important person in my life. which eventually killed him becoz the burden was too much to bear. I was too dependent on him.

I have been in a r/s with another "I" person.. where this time round.. i didnt gave in. I killed him slowly which eventually he lost his self confidence because of that.

Because of all these experience, i realise that its best to find an "SC" person for myself.

I dun wanna.. "kill" anymore people with my character.

like what the fortune teller say..

"i am either too powerful or too giving"

When i give too much i lose myself, when i'm too powerful, i kill the other with my overpowering character.

i am just .. a difficult person to be with..

i am not a calculative person.

when i am in love.. i will pay, i will buy things for my loved ones whenever i feel like it, i will do alot alot of things for him, fulfilling his wants, cooking for him, even tidying up the house...

yes, the way i show love is by showering gifts and act of service for someone.

and of course, this is what i expect from the other party. showering me with surprises, buying my favorites for me without asking, this makes me feel loved.

i dun calculate how much i spend on him, i dun count how many presents i have given him while he has given me how much back.

i'm a giving person, and i only wanna see the appreciation and smiles that would appear on him.

I am extremely thoughtful (thoughtful to friends too.. everyone knows that), every now and then i love to come out with surprises just to make him happy.

however.... i become extremely calculative if the opposite party become calculative.

and .. it destroys the very nice and giving carol and change her into a bitch and calculative person.

yes, thats how i am. if u are nice to me, i am nice to u. if u are bad, i give u back 3 times fold.

you think i enjoy it? no i dun, but this is just me.

I am revengeful. I am extreme.

I can be extremely nice at one moment, and extremely calculative at the other. and there's no turning back when i do that.

its easy to change into an asshole but it takes a lifetime just to be someone nice.

so dun ever press the wrong button in carol.. because there's no turning back..

tons of pictures. lazy to upload here. haa.

have been having too much emo posts, so this is gonna be a picture one!

something to blog about - recently gary invited me to crash his financial planning course in SIM. and yes i went back school again!!!

those were the days u know..

where i attend lectures in SIM.. lunch at the canteen.. do projects with my group.. study together at king albert park or west coast mac..

memories started coming back!! i wish i was back in school~!! i love studying btw.. but i hate exams. HAA. =X who love exams anyway!!

this brings back such fond memories.. i miss all of them! sheena.. val.. marc.. david.. jem.. etc etc.





the canteen!



can i just go back to 2005 where i just started my degree course? i wanna go backkkkkkkkkkkkkk i need a time travel machine!!!

oh my.. time flies...

and i have grown older.

yet.

i still wish to stay young. can i?

--

clubbing ktving is what i have been doing recently! fred's birthday celebration. =)



one of the mambo night. =D

initial plans was to go st james, in the end they all dua me, so i headed down to mambo instead. thats why the hip hop look. =.=



somehow.. i like and yet i am not really satisfied with this pic..



a failed attempt to look sexy. =X

--

last sat, dblo!



the soon to be newly wed couple.. ahh.. so blissful isnt?



--

another wedding that i attended. my colleague's.



toilet!







yes, i have attended quite a few weddings this year. its really nice to be over at one. i love the atmosphere where all eyes are on the bride, where the bride look the prettiest on that day.

my turn? nahz.. signing the paper takes $20. but to "tear away" the paper takes $2000.

i have no intention to marry young (yes 26 and still YOUNG!! =X) coz i have yet to achieve what i need to...

--

i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat i am fat!!

and i am NOT HAPPY! =.=!

i needa get my ass out of the chair and do something about it.

can someone just freaking get me out of my crouch ?!!

boo.. i hardly think so. =X

很对不起。。 我不能陪着你到老。。

相信我。。 我不是故意要走。。 是我不得不走。。

我们有太多的问题。。 是我们不能解答的。

是我coward.. 不敢面对问题。。

我要的自由。。是你不能给的。。

你要的。。 我也给不了。。

我等待。。那一天。。 你和我。。能像好朋友一样 的喝咖啡，聊天。。

谢谢你的好，谢谢你的疼爱。。 谢谢。。 你给我的一切。

对不起。。 我伤害了你。。

对不起。。

真的。。 对不起。。

我不是。。 狠心的离去。。 而是。。不得已的离开。。

我永远。。都会在这里。。 做你的好朋友。。

只希望。。 你能有一天。。得到幸福。。

请你一定要幸福。。

再见了。。



在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了天晴朗了我就走
你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
还来不及对你说迟到的我的心动
你的好你的坏
我的脾气你最懂
我不要你心疼我(我不要你离开我)
明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟
我对你感觉胜过爱情
因为有你给我勇气
给我用不完的运气
其实也想好好爱你
只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(我不怕会伤心)
对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
最后看你在别人怀里
有天我会找到我的唯一(我并不是你的唯一)
还微笑祝福你

I FREAKING OVERSPEND THIS MTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shopping:
- Puffy : $ 65 (5items)
- Forever21: $133 (3items)
- Maz : $30 (3 items)
- Mayuki $30 (2items)

Misc:
- Nails $95

total: 353!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG.. Thou shall not shop for the next one month.

I needa save money for my studio apartment. o.O!!!

Aim to buy a place of my own in 4 years time!!!! by them.. i hope i would have been a manager..

time to do some upgrading for myself to prepare to lead others. =)

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time

Those dreams of yours
Are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay

But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me

Sometimes good-byes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone
I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own
So you can find your way back home

And somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
I'll always love you so

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come

i hate whatever i'm doing now.

i hate myself when i'm not being honest.

i hate it when i tries to be nice to everyone in the end sacrificing myself.

i'm not happy.

i really am not happy with what i am gonna do.

but its the best that i can do in order to protect everyone.

yet at the same time..

its not the best for myself right at this moment.

my heart is screaming inside.

wanting to do what it wanna do.

but it will be an extremely foolish decision with no guarantee that i'm gonna win.

thats why i choose the best option..

to go back to where i come from.. to give in to my fear..

afraid of the unknown, afraid of the future.. i'm very frighten...

and thus..

i withdraw myself back into the shell.. back into the well..

just because... its the best for others..

not me.

sigh.

i wish i had the strength to not feel fear like i used to be. i wish i was younger.. always making reckless decisions and just follow whatever i feel like doing.

but.. with everything in place and what society deem to be "right", i am force to do what you call.. the most rational decision.

the most rational decision.. is often.. the one that betrays one's heart.

i realise i am living a life full of contradictions.

i wanted this first, and now i've changed my mind abt it.

i wanted that to happen, and then when somebody else said something, i change my mind.

i can first say i stayed becoz of my her, because of her health, i cannot bear to do something so cruel.

yet ... in actual fact its just a mask to mask of the idea that i am afraid of changes

really? i dunno.

i dun even know what the fuck is going on in my mind.

its so random, its so messy.

i dunno how to sort it out.

i dunno where to even start!

=.=

i'm brain-fried.

anyone willing to get inside me and do a summary for me?

coz i really dunno which one to pluck out to tell me what is important.

confusion.

afraid i will make a wrong decision.

what is right and wrong anyway right.

sigh.

i need a long break.

a long long break from all these.

i'm tired of being carol.

i feel so suppressed.

suppressing the real me, the crazy me, the me that cannot be revealed to the world.

suppressing the one that disregards all rules and regulations of the world on how to be a good person a normal person..

i am always shouldering unnecessary commitment, rules, regulations, responsibility.

doing things that i shouldnt be even doing, being there for people that dun deserve my friendship.

going thru a round of mixed emotions, going thru a round of crazy emotions and going thru a round of what to do and what not to do.

letting go over everything is not something i wanna do.

putting down everything and just do what i wana do.. i dun have the guts.

chicken out, digging a hole.. shutting myself from the world...

who am i?

i'm tired.. really tired..

picking myself up from the deepest hole i pushed myself in..

yes. i pushed myself into that. i force myself into the dark.

i have to. to know whats impt, what is not.

to know who are the impt people i should keep beside me, to know.. who are the actual friends that are dependable and who are just there for fun.

in order to let myself see clearly, i need to push myself down from the cliff, and survived the fall and become a better person.

crazy, yes it is.

i'm extreme. very extreme.

i can do alot of crazy things, make alot of crazy unpredictable decisions that shocks everyone, even myself.

simply becoz... i'm a person that my friends can fall back on, if he/she ever suffers from anything in their life. so in order to be much stronger, i must first suffer.

suffer the unknown, suffer the pain, to grow up, to understand pain, so feel it all over again, becoz pain forces people to think and find ways to get out of it.

with pain.. it destroys all once behold happiness. it destroys a person and recreate a new one..

i'm in the process of recreation.

a better and stronger person.

give me time.. i need some time.

--

some pics.. from my week of crazy letting myself free.. drinking drinking!! miss my smiles? miss my face?







df night



my dar, one of the special person who has been giving me alot of support during the down period. thanks dar!



another special person that holds an equally important position. thank you..



meee.



random thou shall not pin my hair up again. i got kok tao forehead. =.=