i guess this is the last thing i can do for him at least.

talking to his mom for him about him wanting to learn bike so badly.

his mom agreed.

and he is overjoy.

Feeling his happiness, makes me happy too.

The last happiness i can bring to him.

I only hope he will remember it in his heart forever.

Looking at her blog with their picture inside, cuts my heart.

I knew this was coming, yet... i still feel the pain within me.

I'm not crying, but my heart is bleeding.

They seems to be happy hanging out together.

Maybe.. He is happier with her.

Maybe, she can bring him more happiness.

Its ok.. Pain, is nothing to me anymore.

Tho i may cry, tho i am hurt. But time heals.

talking to janson, made me realise, i have been through this over and over again..

Whats new?

After crying, feeling hurt, i goes through another new cycle with another new man.

"You am not ugly, neither are you fat, you can get any man you want. Dun believe? Just call any guy friend you have and say you are sad, and you wish to go up to their place." He said.

"Female will always have the upper hands towards guy. Why do you wanna crawl and beg for just one man?" He explained.

But whatever he say, just wouldnt go into my mind.

Since i have.. said, leave everything to jan 2nd as i am too deeply in love with a man who doesnt love me.

He gave up trying to persuade me.

He gave up trying to cheer me up.

He gave up trying to talk sense into me.

Being hurt by man, has always been part of my life.

Finally, i begin to understand.

I am just too stubborn to change myself, thinking that this character of mine is the best for me.

i needa wake up. But easier said than done once again.

But.. i have promised myself..

No matter.. how hurt or how unwilling my heart feels on Jan 2nd,

As long as.. he didnt ask me to stay..

I will leave.

And I will never turn back.

I made a deadly vow for myself.

And.. i shall hate him forever..

I shall remember.. the pain he has inflicted on me.

I have tried my best during all these time..

And.. i will not regret.. as i have done my best.

Will the miracle.. come true?

or.. Will i have to accept defeat?

It will all be reveal.. in a week time.

The last week, of togetherness.

Treasure it i will.

Tho.. most of the time i'm not really smiling inside.

i had a perfect christmas present from that someone..

a concoction of pain and tears..

I am in terrible pain now.. There.. in my heart..

my christmas present.. that someone smashed my heart into millions and millions of pieces..

thats my christmas present...

what a wonderful.. present..

Do not know when...

i am begining to hate festive season..

Its making depress/lonely/hurt peeps.. to feel that pain even more..

It hurts.. when that someone you wish.. would be more sensitive towards you..

It hurts.. when you know that.. that someone is a lady's man..

it hurts.. when you know.. you are not getting any special actions or treatment..

it hurts.. when you thought it was special.. then.. you realise that someone is doing it to everyone..

it hurts.. when your mind keep wondering off.. what have that someone done for another.. was is the same way.. you were treated.. that you once thought it was sweet and special..

it hurts.. when that someone dont realise it.. cause it simply means.. that someone doesnt give a damn about how you feel..

it hurts.. when you are not given assurance..

it hurts.. when you know.. that someone is flirting..

it hurts.. when you know you are noone special in that someone's heart.. even tho you yield and prays that one day you would..

it hurts badly..

tears.. heartaches..

i am so insignificant..

i am worthless..

i am nothing..

My cheerful smiles.. are gone..

gone are the days.. i am happy..

Tho... it hurts... i am still hanging on to this path i have chosen.. contridiciting..

Giving up.. its easier to say than done...

I seriously think.. i have PMS.. (i used to not have it..)

Every time, when its the time of the month + just a few days before the time of the month, i will get utterly emotional.

A slight action (that i will be unhappy with) by anyone, will trigger my unhappiness/jealousy/pain/hurt/etc.

I cannot control it.. and its making my life miserable.. making me feel ultimately unhappy.

And i know.. its uncontrollable.

FIAK MAN~ I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE TILL I HIT MENOPAUSE?!

~>.<~

What should i do?!...

Its driving me crazy...

Controlling unhappiness and trying not to show it to anyone.. is hell..

and yes, i'm unhappy again.

When is this gonna end? *sigh*

I wish i could just have an emotional outburst instead of trying to control it..

I wish i could just show it..

But i cant..

For... i do not wanna hurt/ do some stupid stuffs that i might regret..

I'm a miserable being..

I will still persist on.. awaiting for the one miracle to happen.

Even tho, i know the chances are slim.

Even tho, i know this path is nothing but more pain and tears.

Even tho, i know.. doing things for someone to touch his/her heart.. only happen in movies or novels..

This is my choice, and i blame noone.

I know i will be alone, on this path, with noone who can supports me mentally.

Still.. if i were to give it up right now.. i will be wasting all the efforts.. unless.. i get the answer.

foolish i know..

Friends who cares.. i just need an understanding from all of you.. that i need to do this.. for.. myself.

_______________________________________________________________

On a happier note,

Met up with my poly friends for a pre-christmas gathering at grace place.

Time flies eh.. 2 years have gone.. and most of us are working now. (except me who went back to sch. >.<)

We flipped through our pictures that we have taken during those days in poly, and all of us didnt realised that we have left since for almost 2.5years already.

We were like "huh? taken in 2003? sure anot?!.."

Fun, laughter, tears and joy.. We shared our lifes together for 3years in poly.

From our inital meet up.. till the day of our last class.. memories..



Those that are missing: Angeline, Chen ling, Li Si, Gee, Shirley, Yong Wen, Steph.

Those in Picture - Bottom from left: Ben (Grace Bf), Grace, Celia (KH GF), KH aka Joey

Those in Picture - Top from left: Me, Stephanie, Geri, Olive, Rach, James.



Me and Geraldine!



Girl Power! =D



James My bro & me!



Grace & me!!


We update each other on our lifes.. Laugh at those days we spent in school..

Joey getting married with his gf next year... (CONGRATS BRO!!!!!!!!)

Grace & Ben still going strong. (PRAY HARD FOR BOTH OF YOU TO QUARREL LESSER!!! lol.)

I just hope that all of us can meet up at least twice every year.. To update on each others lifes..

To grow up together.. For.. We are Ex- MK304! The most happening marketing class in poly!

=DDDDDDDDDDDD

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On a Side note,

Yesterday, I went ice skating!

Hahahaa!! and yes! blading does help!! I know how to skate!! So much better than 1 year ago. (celebrated V'day with a couple of friends at fuji ice palace last year)

But.... bladeing is so much better after all.

At least bladeing doesnt constraint you to a circle only.

Still love bladeing after all!

________________________________________________________________

Tired ah~~~~ Tomorow have reach my work place at 930am for stock taking~~ Furthermore, i have to work till 10pm!!!

My god.. It's been at least 4 years since i last worked from 930 - 10pm.. =(

________________________________________________________________

"I will await for that day..."

After so many months of efforts.. trying to touch.. it was again flushed down the drain..

After so many months of lying to myself..

Yes.. i knew this was coming..

Yet.. i didnt wanna stop myself from falling into it..

i wonder.. i wonder how long.. do i wanna torture myself..

For.. i do not have the strength to stop it..

for.. i am afraid..

for i love..

for.. my heart aches..

for.. a part of me.. still doesnt wanna give it up..

foolish..

stupid..

stubborn..

yes.. thats me..

too stubborn..

i couldnt let go..

god.. why do you wanna make fun of me.. you have.. break me.. you have killed me.. you have.. destroyed.. my heart..

Haha.. Surprised that.. i actually didnt go momo yesterday after all.

I am getting more homely and less clubby by the day..

good? bad?? dunno. hahhaa.

Clubbing no longer.. excites me. Maybe.. cause.. i'm too god damn broke again.

When is my pay coming?!

I have not done any christmas shopping!!!

>.<

bah....... i have never did any christmas shopping before anyway. lolz. just finding an excuse to shop. =X

my.. withdrawal symptoms are here again.. oh man.. i am addicted to shopping... this is bad..

_______________________________________________________________

Currently watching "Full house" now. Quite a cute korean show..

I am never a fan of korean series, but since this was strongly recommended by WLNY ppl and my friends, i decided to give it a try.

Not a bad series for a start. I only watched the first 2 episodes. lol.

_______________________________________________________________

ok.. think i'm getting old.. >.<

No longer have the aggressiveness in retail as compared to the younger ones in my shop.

Thankfully, there's no individual target, if not i'll kick her butt.

Whenever i serve a customer, she will pop out and start talking.

Talking about ethics. oh well.. she's only 17. Cant blame.

I'm so tired after standing for 9hrs straight.

Think i am getting lazier and lazier by the years.

Have a sudden thought of "I do not wanna work PT anymore. Cheap Labor."

But.. no $$~~~ HOW!!!.. i still have another 1.5years to go!!..

Bah.. I need a sugar daddy... Anyone have lobang? lolz. (Kidding k!)

Lazy to work.. but have to.. cause.. i'm broke...

Ahhhhh.. should have complete my studies first before working..

I missed the days working in my ex company so much..

that i am still not used to the days of being so broke.

And.. I am still shopping like nobody's business!!!

*cries*

Someone.. please control my spending.. >.<

Do not let me buy unnecessary stuffs anymore.. =X
__________________________________________________________________

Lying to myself so much that i do not know how i feel anymore.

What do i really really want???

Do i really not expecting anything???

Or is it that i'm just trying to lie to myself to make myself feel better??

*Confused*

I am a confused girl. hahaz. i'm trying to persuade myself that i can be strong.

Or am i really strong?

this is not depression ya, its just questions in my head which are looking for answers.

I do know for a fact, that the questions will never be answered.

For i have already mold that part into me.

i'm so confused that noone understands me. I dont understand myself either.

One thing for sure, i can never forget.. for.. the footsteps are all over in my heart.

_________________________________________________________________

Reminder To All: Treasure what you have.. and dont take it for granted.. You never know when you are taking things for granted..

Found another new job! fast ya? lol.

starting work tomorrow at a boutique located in marina sq as a part time sales assistant. hehehe..

Still love retail after all.. especially when kurt and prissy are working at the same building as me! =D

Meaning.. i got lunch kakis! hehe..

Well.. i hate having meals alone.. tho i can. =P

Hope tomorrow will be a good day for me! hahaz.
_____________________________________________________________

Blur me.. cook rice.. yet i forgot to on the switch to cook it. LOL!

Waited for 1hr and was wondering if the rice cooker was spoilt. lol!!!

>.< sotong, i know.

Tried "bah kut teh" today. Weeeeettt all thanks to the instant pack. HAHAHA.. It was delicious~~
_____________________________________________________________

Friend say i am getting more and more housewife. >.<

No i am not. Housewife doesnt go clubbing, doesnt go shopping, doesnt work. lol.

No I am not HUANG LIAN PO!!!! =X Not intending to turn into one.

hehez.. just love to try new stuffs. Wonder if this "hobby" will die down soon? lolz.

_____________________________________________________________

Letting things go, taking things easy has made me a happier person. Tho i still awaits, but i no longer hope.

With or without, i still can live happily and strong.

______________________________________________________________

Got teminated from the company as the one who was on maternity leave came back.

>.<

Now i'm jobless. Again.

But i'm gng for an interview tomorrow for another part time job!!! hehe..

Hopefully i can get it. In need of $$$ seriously.

Have not been blogging for the past 4 days. Busy Busy..

or should i say lazy? lolz.

okok.. i admit. I am a lazy pig. But ABSOLUTELY NOT A STUPID PIG! Which someone always call me that... LOL LOL.. xD

Daddy have been teaching me how to cook each time we talk.

Think they are v.v.v.v.v. happy that i'm finally learning how to cook.

Even tho i disappears every now and then... >.<

and... i didnt get much scolding from them. HAHAHA!

_______________________________________________________________

Just met up with my ex colleagues earlier on.. as my boss called me to help them organised farewell party for 2 of my ex colleagues who are leaving the bank..

Went for dinner at marchie then drinking at emerald hills.

Feel kinda of sad that.. one by one is leaving.. and it will be even harder to organise outing from then onwards.

But all of us enjoyed ourselves earlier!

They kept throwing peanuts at each other in the pub, running around, being so rowdy.. as if all of them are teenagers! hahaz.

Sang bd song for eric as his bd is around the corner..

Played bluff and 5-10..

My boss was so funny as usual. LOL! She tried to learn how to play bluff.. and kept shouting 8's 7!. We roared into laughter as in a dice the max is 6. where did the 7 come from? She kept insisting that she knows. but she dunno. lOL~ In the end, Uncle and aug gave up trying to teach her. haha!

Party ended at about 1230am.. as we walked towards the carpark together, andrea and kel suddenly asked me "eh no longer working liao right? Can go KTV LIAO!" lol..

When i was still working in the bank previously, the 4 of us will often sneak out during office hours (hope my boss never knew about my blog.. if not they will be dead..) for KTVs. lolz it was so fun and everyone enjoy it.. till everyone got sick of it. Ever since i left the bank to further my studies, they have not went to ktv for a long long time.. oh man.. those were the days..

I miss working in there so much.. (not the stress level part..)

_______________________________________________________________

Hehehe..

Made dinner again..

And the egg got burnt. >.<

But the rest are ok.

Simply love the cod fish!! My favourite.

Today's dishes? Corn Soup with herbs, cod fish, eggs and braised pork meat with potato.

Hehe..

Anyone wanna try my cooking??

Not bad wor... LOL.

Wun lao sai one dun worry. =P

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My Purchases...

I got my new espirt jeans.. sponsored by Julina!!! I LOVE HER LOTS~~~~ (thats my belated birthday present from her. =X)

Got another new pair of shoes from Novo. Nice nice. hehez..

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My Exam results are out. I'm glad that i passed everything. Yeah Yeah! Another 1.5years more to go...

hehehe...

Dunno what to write liao..

lalalalalalaz..

I am so happy today. LOLz..

I am a fortunate girl with lots of wonderful friends around me! tho.. my.. love life is in a mess.

but still I have peeps who shower care, concern and attention to me.

Thanks to all who love me.

I love you ppl!!!

Initally thought that i have controlled it quite well now i'm on the verge of losing it all over again.

I need to control it. I cannot let it run all over me again.

i will lose myself again.

No.. I do not wanna sink deeper.

Climb up yourself my dear. Do not sink deeper.

Freeze it. You can do it.

It was frozen a couple of days ago. Why defreeze it again?

Dont let it flow within you again.

Feel the numbness within your heart..

Dont let hopes fly again..

Dont let thoughts roll again..

Dont let feelings come again..

Double blow within one night. Wonderful isnt?

Thankfully its numb or is it?

Carol.. Feel the loneliness and embrace it..

The wonders of being alone..

Can you feel it?..

You are handling it well.. work harder and soon.. soon you can be alone..

you just need yourself..

I sound like a crazy biatch blogging tonight.

lol.. i'm just thinking out loud.

To friends who are reading.. I'm fine. Just feeling psycho tonight.

________________________________________________________________

重伤 - 张栋梁

趁着黑夜还未破晓之前离开你
你那时来还睡得很甜蜜
是否有察觉到我的一片苦心
是为了不让你逃避你自己
也许我还不够能力把你彻底忘记
至少我懂适当时离去
我受了重伤己不再对爱渴望
握紧的手始终要放
留得住的只是荒壤
我受了重伤离开只是种疗方
放手逃离伤心的海岸
遗憾的是没找到盲目的药方
多留一分钟就多痛一分钟
我该学会如何遗忘
只是一分钟就能从痛苦中释放
不必为了别人而伤

I AM FREAKING BORED!!

WORK MADE ME SO BORED THAT I WANNA BANG THE WALL!!!

Everyday do nothing in the office.. its killing me..

Still have to act busy...

When there's nothing to do, nothing to read, no internet to surf and no games to play.

How to act busy?!

Argh...

*haiz*

School faster reopen.. >.<

So freaking bored.. bored.. bored.. bored.. bored.. bored..

Life is bored.. bored.. bored.. bored.. bored..

its driving me crazy...

Something is lacking in my life..

what is that?

I'm still searching.. searching..

B.............................O......................R.......................I........................N..............................G................

SUPER BTH AH~ I'm carrying the boredom back home.

MY GOD~~~

ZZZZ...

I'm getting lazier as days passed...

work slack.. go home slack...

my life is all abt slacking now..

and.. its boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>.<

Kill me please.
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I am so in love with retail therapy.

Bought a pair of new heels, a pair of new jeans and a new tank top.

Total damage $62.

Hehe..

No more shopping till i get my next pay check. (i hope)

__________________________________________________________

Begining to feel that i'm taking things more easy now.

No longer harbor any hopes that things might improve.

Is it a good or bad?

I dunno.

Maybe my birthday wish will never come true... never.

__________________________________________________________

Weeee...

Successfully cooked rice with 3 simple dishes today. (tho the rice is not cooked by me. >.< i know how to make the dishes but rice is a headache to me.)

Peanut soup, tofu and braised meat with potato. =P

Got 5 people to comment on my cooking.

eh.. not as good as the real "chef" but still "passable" hehe..

Thankfully its not too salty nor tasteless.

Thanks to my maid and my dad who gave me the "recipe".

Thanks to jane who helped me in the cooking.

Lastly, thanks to gunn's mom who helped me to cook the rice. LOL~.

I'm in love with cooking. The feeling of getting positive comments on your cooking is simply too hard to resist!

Hope to learn more new dishes soon~ =D

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Yesterday i got.. drunk again?

Well.. after 2-3 clubbless weeks, i finally went to devils again yesterday.

It was derek's friend bd and he asked me along. Have to go as derek came to my bd alone too.

Saw Brandon and Karen jie there.

Hehe.. Had so much fun fun fun!!!!

heng i didnt vomit.

was walking around from table to table.. and had to seek refuge @ the dancefloor to avoid friends who were trying to find me to drink for a period of time. lol.

i realise that it is so much better to club once in a while, at least it is not that tiring or boring.

Manage to get home on my own, as i went there alone...

Clubbing.. a place where i can release stress and "xin shi"..

i am still suffering from the "after drinking" effect.

Tired, lazy, still in my "seh" mode. lolz..

__________________________________________________

"Loneliess is not hard to bare anymore"

i realise my feelings are gone..

No longer having any real joy in doing nice things for people.

No longer having any butterflies in my stomach when i see someone i like.

I just feel.. very numb and lifeless.

Can no longer feel anything.

Staring into blank space now..

What am i turning into??

i wonder...